17th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon

I don’t remember La Noscea being this humid. It was always sort of… blustery. All those high bluffs, with no tree cover to break up the rolling winds. The salty sea air always brought out the wandering spirit in me. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t stay in Limsa very long this time. That and, of course, the lack of available work.

The longer I go without a job, the more I can feel the allure of the sword at my hip. I keep getting it out while I wander and swinging it around, practicing the forms. It’s been so long since I fought without a shield though; and I feel somewhat naked. I feel like I need something else in my other hand. Another weapon, maybe? Maybe I could invest in a larger sword, but that would reduce some of my flexibility and speed. Not that I really want to fight anything these days. I keep reiterating that to people these days, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s more to convince myself than to convince them.

There’s been a lot of that though, reiterating. I’ve had lots of meetings with people that I wasn’t plan on. I only really spoke with Keisuna once back before the Calamity, but she asked for me over the pearl. Me specifically. I felt odd, and it was so out of the blue that it managed to pique my curiosity. She surprised me with her verbal sparring. I got the sense for a while that we were both dancing around some kind of deeper subject, trying to one-up each other in a delightful game of one-upmanship. I didn’t feel like either of us had an edge though, and I rather enjoyed myself. If she’s well, I’ll probably see if she’s down for more sometime. With less pretense. Of course, there’s always the chance I pulled the subject out of my arse, but there were too many coincidences lining up for me to ignore. Her son on the other hand, seems a little squeamish. Bookish. Reminds me of myself when I was younger before I was married. We’ve agreed to tea this week but I have a nagging suspicion that it’s going to fall through.

R’zhumii hasn’t been much better either. Another “innocent meeting” with a motive behind it. She seems to think that I’m still holding a torch for Eufrasi. While I’d admit in the privacy of these pages that I’m dying for a good shag, I don’t think that trying to rekindle any sort of romance with him is a good idea. Apparently he’s got some baggage, and if he comes with R’zhumii in tow then I would rather stay celibate. Bitch had the audacity to give me gil, but hidden inside a larger bag. I didn’t realize what had happened until she’d gone.

I do miss the comfort of a man in my bed. Turk has disappeared off again, without a word to anyone, and Fenix seems to be completely disinterested. I’m terrible at dropping hints, but even the ones that lack subtlety he seems to miss. I gave him a bloody kiss the other day and he barely batted an eyelash. I need to meet someone, I think. Something casual, I wouldn’t even turn down. But release is important and the last time I had that was with a woman. And who knows where Blueboats is now.

*there is a break in the writing. A small gap, and it continues. It is obviously written at a later time*

Apparently I wasn’t living in the Shroud this whole time after all. I took the other way around to Wineport this time, since I was called away the other day and had to make the trip back. I stumbled into a place that the map called ‘Raincatcher Gulley’. It is the forest. THE forest. That’s where I was the entire time after Cartenau. I had no idea. Apparently I’ve been assuming this whole time that I was still in the Shroud because no forest like this was around then, but here it is. I was in it. I recognize the plant life, and the climes were right, and some of the rock features were right. It’s not a coincidence, and I should have realized much sooner that no place in the Shroud would have that kind of humidity and support that kind of plant life. Wineport is so close, I think I’ll go back some sun. Try and find my old camp. Dig up what I buried.

I think Aysun is coming out for a visit. I’m going to go down to the front desk and buy a bottle of wine. Nasty stuff, but there’s hell-all else to drink around here.

13th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon

My feet hurt. All that walking back and forth from the Bazaar last night really took its toll. I think there was a rock in my boot last night. These low quality materials can’t keep out the elements. They’ll probably be my first purchase. I hopped the ferry from the Silver Bazaar up to Horizon. It’s different here, too. But I didn’t have much of a chance to explore because the ship to Limsa Lominsa was arriving. So I’m on that now. Ocean is clean and beautiful, like I remember.

Fenix was gone this morning. I’m pretty sure I may have overstepped my bounds, but it felt good to be close to someone for once. I gave Aysun that hug, but for the most part, all my interactions have been at a distance. Arms length. I hope he just had things to do this morning, but he was gone. He has been nothing but kind. He told me a little bit, about his past, but I pulled back and stopped prying. Managed to avoid telling him anything of interest about myself, so that’s good.

I don’t know why I trust him, other than because Aysun told me I can. I suppose that’s good enough for me. I trust her implicitly. I heard her yesterday over the pearl for the first time in suns, but I had to tell her to stop antagonizing people as opposed to wishing her well. She’s in Limsa, according to her, and I’ll be there soon. Maybe I can track her down and talk to her soon.

I am worried though, about Crystalline as an entity. It seems like most every day someone ends up arguing with someone. I know we can’t all be friends, but the rate at which these individuals go for the throat is disturbing. I can’t remember the last time I’ve bit my tongue this much. I hear everything they say, but it isn’t my place to police them. Tell them when they’re acting the fools. This whole business with Flandre, it made me want to punch things.

Come after me all you want. But Eva being pulled into this, that I simply cannot abide. Delaying my trip and making me walk were secondary irritants.

I have my own problems to worry about on the side. I only have maybe two or three more aetheryte trips worth of gil that Eva loaned me before I’m stuck wherever I am. I have to plan it carefully, and walk as much as possible like last night.

My poor feet.

But again, Fenix. There’s someth

*writing ends abruptly*

12th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon

The dumb bastards didn’t want me. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s their loss, but rejection still stings, just like it always have and like it always will. That’s a part of life, I suppose. I’m just not used to being on the receiving end. I wonder if this is how all those men felt. Only worse, I suppose. Heartache hurts more than being turned down for a job. I think.

It’s different out here. I couldn’t take being cramped up inside that hot, smelly city any longer. I’m beneath something that one of the Brass Blades called the Sultantree. I don’t remember the desert being so green. I mostly remember brown. And rock. Fenix’s house is near the Gate of Thal, so I just made a beeline for it.

Desert air smells nice.

I feel free suddenly. There’s nothing keeping me here in Ul’Dah anymore. I can go out on my own now and defend myself. Staying with Fenix has been convenient, but I feel that I’ve already started to wear out my welcome. I’ve barely even seen him since I got here, but I still feel like an intruder. Too much freedom in there, almost as if I’d broken in.

I don’t feel very alone anymore. The first few days were excruciating, but for the past several suns I’ve been surprisingly busy. I’ve tried to get out a little every day, and I’ve seen people. Eva stayed for a few bells when she came to remove the cast yesterday, and we talked. And we had a conversation that was long overdue.

When I first arrived at the Watch, I spent a lot of time in awe of Eva. She was this untouchable entity. Quiet and understanding. She always seemed to have all the right words. Even when we were both Archontes, and supposedly on the same level, she was over me. Up until the very end, when it seemed like we were starting to reach some kind of understanding. It was only around then that I started to really consider her a friend. I’m glad to know that hasn’t gone anywhere.

I feel like I have to force myself to act naturally, even though I’m terrified. I’m still reeling from culture shock. Everywhere I turned something is different and people have changed, so I remind myself that I need to hold myself together. It’s hard. But when I talked with Eva it all came back like nothing had changed.

It felt good to open up to someone. Aysun hasn’t been the most receptive what little I’ve seen her, and that worries me, but Eva is a lot like her usual self. She’s more forward, though, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. The older Eva never asked me questions. We would both sort of dance around subjects. I’m sure we both knew what the other was saying, but it’s much faster this way. I like it.

I want things with Aysun to get back to the way that they were. I worry about her. I remember when the two of us used to talk like the way Eva and I did. It makes me wonder if some day I’ll ever tell Eva about my time before the Watch. Things I’ve only ever told Aysun.

I didn’t have the courage to ask her about Jzhoshief or Aatrix, though. I know she’s talked with them, she said as much. It was a rude awakening, to be certain. Maybe next time.

The plan is still to go to Limsa tomorrow. Pack up my one possession and leave a note for Fenix. I’m taking this sword though. I’ll pay him back. I’ve been frugal with the gil Eva lent me, and I think it’s enough to get a ride to Limsa. I’m not coming back. Not for a long time.

I think Tysien’s men are still out there, though. I need to be careful, and leave quietly.

8th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon

It’s been several days now, and I still haven’t left the city gates. I keep tapping my boots against the floor, growing impatient. I feel trapped, both by these walls and by this cast, although I suppose that here above the forge is the safest place I could possibly be right now.

According to Aysun, Tysien’s brainwashed buffoons are still out there. The cavalcade of bad news seems to rival the good news. I wonder how long they kept searching for me after Cartenau. Did they follow me out there? Did a few of them die, perhaps trying to take me down in the swarm of bodies? I told Aysun that the last time I’d seen one of them was at that gala, blending in among all those gathered. That was five years ago. What have they been doing all this time? I know they’d already devolved into a petty but successful band of brigands. A far cry from their former glory, but still dangerous nonetheless.

She made me promise not to run out alone this time. No heroics. I didn’t explicitly agree.

The liquor was nice though, cheap as it may have been. Two nights in a row now I’ve been able to enjoy myself, and been surprised at how well my tolerances have kept up. There’s still a little bit left from last night; I’ll probably finish it today sometime.

I feel like I’m losing track of time again. It’s been almost a week now since I woke up in the Fane, and I’ve spent all of it here in this house. Fenix lives on a busy street, and I’m uncomfortable walking out there in my current state. The sooner R’zhumii can help me get this cast off, the better. I’ll probably ‘borrow’ one of the blades downstairs, much like I’m borrowing the small knife in my satchel. Maybe someday I’ll even pay him for them.

Boredom has turned into outright snooping. I’ve picked through more than half the books on his shelf. There isn’t really all that much that interests me; I’m not that knowledgeable about aether or science. I’ll leave that kind of thing to Syesta. I tried to read one, but I just couldn’t sit still long enough. I need to MOVE.

I want to swing a sword.

I want to see things with my own eyes.

I want to find out what happened here.

I want.

6th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon

It feels strange, to hold a quill again in my hand and write. It’s been so long; so long since I’ve even had to communicate in words to another living being, it almost feels like a gift. One thing that living in the wilderness taught me was how precious these things we take for granted are.

I ventured out of this apartment today for the first time. I figured Ul’Dah was the place to get my bearings, since Aysun said it hadn’t been ‘hit’. She was right; for the most part it was the same. Small changes here and there. All the shops were different, there were new buildings, but the crowds were the same. Aysun left me some clothes that fit, and I raided Fenix’s house for food and provisions. I traded a merchant some fruit for this small journal. Nothing fancy, just paper in a binding. But it is mine. This and the clothes on my back are literally the only things to my name.

I’d given up writing journals. I was always so worried, before, that someone might find them and learn things that I did not wish them to learn. I burned the last two, but I felt that I needed to start one again. I didn’t retain much from my time with Makar, but one thing was his passion for note-taking. He always said that writing was the best way to organize one’s thoughts, and in times like these, that is what I need most.

I’m still getting used to this entire situation. One moment I was on the brink of death in the Shroud, the next thing I know I’m waking up next to Aysun – a woman I had given up for dead. Crushed by Dalamud. They threw a blitz of information at me; about time travel and a changing of the world, but it still seems so unreal. I didn’t get much time to dwell on it before I was out in it, in that wilderness. Everthing was different. I hardly recognized the Shroud.

I wonder if immersion really was the best way to go about it. I’m used to change; adaptation has always been one of my stronger suits. Maybe Aysun knew that, which is why she didn’t have a problem with it. But I imagine suddenly seeing your entire world /changed/ would exact quite a toll on some people. It was still a shock to the system, despite being prepared. I dealt with it like I deal with most things; carrying on like it was ‘business as usual’. I was in a blind panic on the inside though. Maybe something snapped.

I shocked myself at how quickly I fell back into my old ways on the ride to Ul’Dah. The way Aysun and I talked and bantered like nothing had ever changed. I think when I was out there, alone, most of my fake conversations were with her. Some were with Eva, and a few of the others, but when I pretended to not be so desperately, soul-crushingly alone, hers was the voice I remembered best. Maybe it was habit to just talk to her like that; I don’t know. But she seems different. Quieter, less apt to jokes. She let the new one, Fenix, do most of the talking. It’s almost as if she’s afraid of something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I haven’t seen her since the first night. I wonder if everything is okay.

But yes, Fenix. He’s just one of the many new faces. Most of them are still just voices to me, but his has a face. He is Aysun’s friend. She trusts him; told me point blank to my face that he was worthy of it. I don’t really trust /anyone/ completely, but Aysun vouching is good enough for me. He makes good soup, which can only be a plus. I didn’t talk to him much, but he’s letting a complete stranger stay in his house for free, so he can’t be all that bad. I haven’t seen him since, either.

I stayed inside yesterday, after sleeping until midday. I wasn’t ready to go out. I wanted to sit and focus and try to gather myself. I did poke around the house though. I was going to read something off Fenix’s bookshelf, but a small bound book caught my eye. It had pages missing, and it turned out to be his private journal. I wish I could say that I thought twice about reading it, but I will not try to fool myself. I slid it out and read it, right there in the hallway. I needed to know I could trust him, and knowledge is power. There wasn’t much to read, but there are a few things I saw that raised some questions maybe he will volunteer answers for on his own without any gentle prodding. Beyong that though, he seems a good sort, from what I have read, and what I have heard over the pearl.

Eva did give me a pearl. A replacement one for Crystalline, and a personal one as well. I listened to it for almost two days; the whole ride to Ul’Dah, and all day yesterday. The people are different. There are lots of voices I don’t recognize, but I paid close attention to their conversations, and I can attach names to sounds now. Young people and old people alike. I’ve already started forming some opinions. I’d rather observe them for hiding for a tad bit longer. Any upper hand is a good hand.

I did talk with Eva about them though. Some of the things they were talking about surprised me. Conversations that would have never occurred over a pearl in Everwatch. Some crassness that I’m surprised Eva tolerated for as long as she did. She always was a stickler for that; I did a good job of curbing my tongue in front of her there at the end.

I just realized my choice of words there. What a depressing way to think.

Not only am I alive though, I am alive and well. That is the most surprising thing. I was rarely ‘well’ when I was out in the wilderness; always hungry, always sore, always uncomfortable and afraid. Lonely. Possibly losing my sanity. Even before that, perhaps, was I ever well? A runaway, a killer, trying to recover from a downward spiral into depression only to rise up and see a great moon sinking to send me back down. Wellness can’t be found at the bottom of a bottle or deep in a cave.

Despite this looming sense of dread at facing that strange, unfamiliar world outside these drawn curtains, I feel hopeful. If I can somehow survive a moon, I can survive anything. I’ve stopped counting the number of times that I’ve cheated death at this point, but it is not an insignificant number. Maybe one of the Twelve is up there looking out for me. Or maybe it’s just luck.

My only problem right now is trying to figure out ‘what next’. Perhaps I’ll start speaking on the pearl soon. Talking to people; trying to get an idea of what they are doing with their lives. I spent so long before thinking that I wouldn’t be able to do anything else that I ended up not doing anything at all, and frittered away what easily could have been the last days of my life on fruitless pursuits. My pursuit of fruit in the wilderness at least had a purpose.

I think my first step will be to try and get a sense of Eorzea on a larger scale. Perhaps I’ll see if Fenix or Aysun can loan me a small amount of gil and I can purchase a few papers. Read up on things, get a handle on current events. Yes, reading is the answer. Reading is almost always the answer. Much like listening, learning to stop and take things in as opposed to constantly expelling is the key to wisdom. It’s a lesson a few of those new voices on the pearl could do to learn before it’s too late.

I just re-read what I have written here. More than I expected, to be honest. But it doesn’t feel censored. I used to try and lie to myself; omit things I didn’t want to remember. Make myself feel better. Too bad that would have defeated the point of the exercise. I was worried that these ramblings would feel rushed and unfocused, but they seem to flow rather well. Glad to know I haven’t lost that touch either.

I think I’m going to try and talk on the pearl now.

22nd Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I went chasing after Blade, after his weird little stunt with Aysun… but I was too late, and he was gone. I’d run off in the direction I thought he’d have taken, but it was no use. I wandered, perusing the city, and arrived at a place I hadn’t been to since my sailing days. I went seeking silence, and a place to think.

I found it, I guess. I pondered my direction, and the coming battle. Friends neither here nor missed. What I have with Blade, Aysun, Eva… I thought about Euf as well… and Turk. Names that don’t cross my mind every day. I wonder how /they/ are preparing for this. My hands were idle. I started folding a sheet of paper to occupy them… and I made a little paper boat. Nothing like the grand ones that sailed and sat docked just beyond the edge of pier, just a pale imitation. I set it free into the little trough beside me… and caught a woman’s eye.

A beautiful Elezen, graceful, and slender. She looked at me strangely, and I thought she was disapproving. I apologized for my ship, but she didn’t seem to be angry with me. More… curious, I think. She is quiet. I like quiet. Her way of talking intrigued me. She asked how I made them, and I showed her. We sat there in silence, folding paper boats from the last pages of my sketchbook. I said my goodbyes, and went home.

I found Aysun there, with a strange Miqo’te. Miyana, or somesuch. They’re old friends, I guess. I didn’t hear what they were talking about; I came in as she was leaving. But… she called Aysun /sister/… That bugged me. I don’t know why; but I felt jealous. A little tinge of selfishness jabbed me in my lungs, but I kept a straight face and smiled and said what a pleasure it was to meet her and all that nonsense before excusing myself to my room with little else to say. I laid in bed for a while… doodling. I drifted off to sleep eventually… a bit frustrated, a bit angry. No reason. It’s stupid and childish. Why am I so unnecessarily possessive?

I didn’t want to talk to anyone… or see anyone, really. I went for a walk. And… I wandered back over to that pier. I don’t know why… I didn’t honestly know what to expect. I found that woman there again, folding more boats. There was an entire fleet down there in the water in front of her. We both folded again for a while, and we actually spoke. We shared names… and the basest of pleasantries. I like it that way; without details.

I put her out of my mind for most of yesterday, though. I was back in Ul’Dah again, going to those damnable meetings and cleaning Redricks dirty laundry. I can’t wait until it is all over. I don’t want to keep being his hand in all these sordid affairs. But the work is drying up, and I need the gil. Maybe after this moon hits… if I somehow manage to stay alive… I can broker something with him. Maybe I won’t have to watch my back anymore after this.

I was laying low in Gridania. That’s where I go to hide these days; I go home. Not that there is ever any real danger, but I don’t want to get Aysun involved, just in case. A night at the Canopy every once in a while is good for me, anyway. I was out for fresh air, when by some crazy turn I ran into her again. And Blade. He knows her as well too, intimately. I have no reason or right to be offended. And I’m acquainted now with a part of her I wasn’t previously. Eva knows her, apparently, I learned as much. I could detect the hesitancy in her voice when she found out who I was with. I want to ask her. I want to know.

That Gerrick fellow put something in my head though… he said over dinner that he was happy to see that two people could find love as the world is about to end. I nearly choked on my soup, but I held it in. I thought about it the rest of the meal; do I love Blade? I asked him that very question as we were walking back to the Canopy. He balked a bit, I think, but eventually managed to sputter out in a roundabout way that he did. He’s a sweet man. I tried to tell him in my own stupid, broken way that I did too, but of course I couldn’t. I think I drove a shiv in where I didn’t need to. I told Eufrasi that I loved him, I told him it a lot, but I never really meant it. I don’t want to ruin another good thing too soon, and I think my attempts to avoid it only made things worse.

I think tonight I’ll try and make it up to him. After I speak with Aysun.

18th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I bought more candles, ink, and parchment today. It’s been one of those strange suns, my sleeping all screwed up from going to bed late and waking up in a strange place. Well, a nice place, I guess. But I’m not taken to unfamiliar ceilings. Eva has a nice house, with a beautiful view… and I flitted through some of her books, as well. She keeps a clean house… and I do love the smell of lilacs. I’m just bad at being a guest, I suppose… I bumped into her and Vaelyn in the morning as I was trying to scuttle out. I suppose he’s sort of living with her, now. I guess it’s to be expected, after all.

I heard a scream last night, just after I had finally lain down to try and sleep. I was pretty bleary, but I was sure it came from Eva’s room. I stumbled about, probably as unstealthily as I possibly could have, and I heard voices. I assume now that it was Vaelyn, but I thought nothing of it at the time and went back to sleep. And then sleep again as soon as I arrived home.

I’ve got the little Stephon figure that Aysun carved for me sitting on my easel. It was there the entire time that I finished the painting of Eva. She liked it… appreciated it. She started crying when I showed it to her, but I’m not sure if it was more for the quality of the piece or for the memories it brought up. She hadn’t seen it since those little sketches I did after she posed for me. She seemed surprised that she looked so tough; but what else do you do with a woman holding a spear? She’s always been tougher than she looks, at least to me. She’s weathered Oskar’s death better than I would mourn the loss of someone I loved. Then again, I’ve never had to do that. Who knows how tough I really am?

Aysun finally cracked the other night, though, while I was having a cozy evening with Blade. Came home, drunk as a dog already and started drinking more. I managed to get her into bed after attempting in vain to get some food and water in her, and while I was starting to slide into bed myself with Blade, I heard a banging. She was sweating, pale, and breathing strangely. I’ve been around enough drunks in my day to know the signs… and so Blade and I took her to the Fane.

Yesterday… I came home to find her sitting in her chair, wrapped in blankets, no fire, just resting. She opened up to me a bit, and then just… cracked. Cried on my shoulder, /leaned/ in to me, something I’ve never seen her do. I held her, and tried to comfort her, but I realized at that point… that I am no mother. I spouted some feel-good tripe to her, but it felt hollow. She seemed to buy it though; either that or she just got back to her normal state and clammed up again. But… I wish I could be more. Do more. Be the friend that helps. I love her like a sister… and I’ll kill whoever it was that did that if I ever find out his name.

15th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I really want to go home, I really do.  This bed at the Canopy isn’t the right kind of firm.  I just – I just can’t.  I don’t really want to run into Aysun.  But at the same time, I do.  I miss her.  She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.  But after that argument, that stupid, insipid little argument without direction or purpose… I just want to bury my head in the sand.

 

Why did I lie to her?  I don’t even know why.  Well, I know /why/, that’s fairly rote for me at this point, but there was no reason for it, no call.  She deserves so much better than that.  I don’t think I’ve lied to her before, why start now?  It was stupid, and I feel the fool.  It wasn’t even an argument worth winning.  I’m beating myself up about it.

 

This shite excuse for a bed can be my punishment, I suppose.  She said… she said she made me something and left it at home… but… I just can’t bear to do it.

 

Beyond that… that was the second time that I’ve seen Eva cry.  It wasn’t any easier to watch this time than it was last time.  She always seems so calm and collected, but I guess we all have things underneath that just make us fall apart.  I know I do, I won’t begrudge her that.  I don’t think Hirilonde meant ill by his words, but it just seemed… /completely/ the wrong forum to be talking about Eva’s family like that.  I was uncomfortable the whole time.  Talking about oaths… and breaking them.

 

I wish that night had been the first night that I’d heard that insult.  I didn’t realize until I talked to Eva though just how offensive it was meant to be.  I reflected on it later that night, and some of the things that they said make so much more sense now.  Not that I give a damn about any of their opinions.  I wonder if Eva thinks less of me because of my divorce?  Maybe one sun I’ll ask her.  I was the one that did the breaking, after all.

 

It’s such an unfortunate time for everybody.  I’ve heard the official word from the Adders… We’re to be battling in Mor Dhona.  That place is dangerous enough on a /good/ day.  I’m as prepared as I ever could be.  I’d gladly leave this business in Ul’Dah behind to go now.  This… incessant waiting leaves a lump in my throat in a knot in my stomach.  There is little merit in postponing the inevitable.  Acceptance.  A dread sadness in knowing that in just two weeks, everything I’ve done and accomplished will be nothing.  I don’t even know why I’ve been drawing so much lately.  Let alone attending these daft meetings and their aftermaths.

 

I’m so thirsty… all I want is a drink, and this water can’t quench it.

9th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I feel a bit immature.  I said as much to Eva yesterday when we spoke briefly in the afternoon.  Her words helped, but I still feel like there could have been a more effective method of dealing with this… this overwhelming grief I feel.  Even that grief feels misplaced.  I miss Stephon… but he isn’t dead.  Eva put my small-mindedness in perspective, even if that wasn’t her intent.  Getting drunk and wandering the desert for two suns… what am I, 20?  Thank the twelve I had a few hours of lucidity and remember to eat something solid and stay out of the sun.  I could have died.  I got off with a light tan.

 

It didn’t really hit home how stupid I was being until I vomited off the back of the airship out of Limsa.  The turbulence was wreaking hell on my already conflicted gut.  I sat there, clutching the rail and wiping spittle from my mouth like some kind of Ul’Dah pub crawler… I don’t want to be like that anymore. 

 

Eva invited me over.  I went, and told her what was on my mind, and then she proceeded to surprise me, like she always does.  She suggested that maybe there isn’t anything wrong with what I’m doing… and I learned that at one point in her life she might have done the same… maybe.  I’m not sure if I interpreted everything she told me properly; sometimes I get caught up in the words and their meaning passes me over completely.  It’s why I prefer to read… or write, like this.  Anyway—

 

I asked her to let me know if I looked like I was going off the deep end again.  I only want to use her as a last resort… I want to fix this on my own, but we all fall sometimes.  I don’t want to ask Aysun.  I’m not sure what to say.  How do you tell your best drinking buddy that you don’t want to drink with them anymore?  I suppose I’ll have to say it eventually… but I know us, I might be able to skirt it a few weeks until the words come to me.  Or Dalamud gets me.

 

Of course, I’ve already fallen off the wagon on this slow slope… I was drawing my friends at home when Blade surprised me at my door after a few suns without a word.  That’s mostly my fault, I think.  I didn’t want to burden him with my problems.  It’s still too early for… whatever we are, to be doing that.  He took me to dinner; classy, at the Bismarck.  Neither of us had actually /dined/ there, just acquired ingredients.  I wore that lovely bliaud that Eva made for me back when I was still in the Everwatch.  It’s so fancy and regal, with those lovely frills and embroidery… I’m almost afraid to wear it.  But tonight was special, and I thought I’d give it a test run before that Mavanix ball I’ve seen the invitations for.  Blade watched me while I donned it; I don’t think he’s used to seeing me put clothes /on/.

 

Dinner was odd, that’s the best word I can think of.  The food was exquisite, the company fine, the conversation serious at times…  the ah, /help/ was a bit unusual.  Man in drag… maybe?  I honestly couldn’t tell.  Gharish pink monstrosity.  And those… pumpkins… Twelve.  But anyway, it turned out to be a good evening.  I’m starting to kind of fall for the guy.  We’re… seeing each other?  Courting?  I’m not sure what they call it these days, but he’s mine, I suppose.  It seems like so long ago that I was living with Eufrasi… but it’s only been four months.  These things move so fast, once you look at them objectively.  If only I could look like that /before/ I get myself into trouble.

5th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I was able to keep my calm over the pearl last night, but I had to take the damnable thing out. I nearly threw it across the cave in frustration. I didn’t want to hear anyone’s voice. But then Aysun came… and she made everything alright somehow. Just calmed me…

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that smell. Their leathery skin and elegant moss, going up in flames. It smelled of rot; and those farmers, cheering and wooping. I covered my mouth with a hand and put a reassuring arm on the other rider, and told him I understood his pain. He wept, and I left. But the smell lingered on me; I think I could smell it in my clothing. And the look on its face when my sword pierced its brain…

I just kept seeing Stephon. All night I wondered about how easily that could have been him lying there, coated in a veneer of flames. I chose to ride out on Garnet for speed… but if that wild Goobbue had seen Stephon, there might have been a confrontation. I know Stephon is capable of violence; he’s killed for me. And I don’t think he’d hesitate to defend himself, just like the one that other rider had.

It’s been a miracle that for seven cycles now I’ve gotten away with naught but a smile from him. Save for that one time in Coerthas, but… well. That was a different story. But the scent haunted me, and I’ve made my decision.

Stephon has to be set free. I know I mentioned it to Eva a few suns ago, but then last eve happened and the urgency of the whole situation became clear to me. He needs to spend his last days before Dalamud falls on his own; away from the cities, the chocobo pens, the commotion. Communing with nature, rediscovering his own kind.

I don’t even think he considers himself a captive. He just knows that I need him to stay in the pens, and he does, happily. Smiling his adorable, silly Goobbue smile. He likes salmon; maybe I’ll buy him one tonight. This morning I went to the pens and talked with Isleen down at the stables about ending our contract. She didn’t ask why, but she seemed a bit sad that he wasn’t going to be staying with them anymore. We shared a brief moment of understanding; Stephon just has that way of rubbing off on people. Like with Aysun a few suns ago. He’s so awkward and –

It’s going to be rough. Aysun said that if I needed any help I could call her. And I will. Maybe I’ll even make a picnic out of it; invite some close friends. I don’t think I’ll be able to go it alone. I’m going to take him back to where he found me, that little stream in the Shroud. With his little stump, and his cave, and moss patch. I remember the way the sun filtered through the boughs there… it was magical. And he’ll have that magic all to himself.

Maybe one day we will meet again.

*     *     *

At the bottom of the shoals
We’ve cast our lots and played our roles
And in the stillness after the war
You carried me to your earthen hole

We’ve shattered blessed barriers with horns to sound the call
And hundreds off our memories will adorn these cavern walls
And when I stand at Sister’s side and square off against the moon
I’ll be praying all the while that I will see you soon

We’ve ridden and we’ve searched trees
And stared out longingly at the foaming seas
Before these fires rend us apart
You can your strides and your head start

We’ve shattered blessed barriers with horns to sound the call
And hundreds off our memories will adorn these cavern walls
And when I stand at Sister’s side and square off against the moon
I’ll be praying all the while that I will see you soon