I’ve found it hard to pick up my pen and record my thoughts and feelings these past few moons. My journal sat at my nightstand, a testament to times I care not to remember; times that bring me great pain. I burned it, like I burned many before it. Now I have a clean slate to move forward with, a smile on my face and music in my heart.
I’m another cycle older since last I recorded my life, another tally mark to tack onto my calendar. 27… I feel like my youth is slipping away from me. The day itself passed simply and quietly, the way I always wanted. Aysun and I sat around, like we do most nights, and just talk. Many eves pass this way. Dinner, drink, conversation. A quiet life. I’m fine with that. I’m content living with Aysun. I hope she’s the same about living with me.
I suppose things between the two of us have been improving. Not that they were ever /bad/, but there is no reason why they can’t get better. We’ve both been opening up to each other, slowly picking away at our respective walls. Eva and I spoke last sun, and even she has noticed a subtle change in her. It’s exciting to watch, from my end. Maybe one day —- heh. Who knows. But the future is bright.
Bright as it can be, I suppose, with that damn rock screaming down towards us.
Why in the Twelve does it has to move so /slow/? If the Garleans wanted us dead that badly, couldn’t they have just /done/ it already? It just looks like its hovering, waiting for the moment that it wants to kill us all. It almost seems like it’s… hesitating? Perhaps there is hope.
I don’t know what kind. We’re all doomed.
I wish deeply that I could go with Nel and Manari. I know I’m a Paladin; I’m supposed to be a wall for my friends and allies, stand and fight, but walls are stupid. Piles of bricks and mortar. A wall doesn’t know when its standing up against certain death; a death that might provide no meaning or safety to anyone.
The more I hear that people say that Paladins are like walls, the more I hate that damnable metaphor. I never want to hear it again. A paladin is no mindless wall, standing long after whatever it is protecting has long ceased to be, crumbling into ruins; a testament to traditions that have long since become irrelevant.
But despite it all, I’m staying. I’m staying for Aysun. I’m staying for everyone. I’m staying for those that can’t or won’t… for Manari, for Eva, for Nel. I’m going to fight at Aysun’s shoulder. Fight whatever damnable forces we can. I don’t expect to come back, to be honest.
Maybe that’s why I’m running off into bed with Blade so easily, I don’t know. The other night when I slipped out and called Aysun on my pearl… when I look back it seems highly telling. Maybe I just want something meaningful before a damn rock falls on my head. I can sate myself physically just fine. I just wish I had someone… something…
I have Aysun, I guess. I’m promised her a few times that we’re going to get old and yell at kids from our porch.
…
Yeah right. Yelling at them from our smoking crater, more like.
Selene Artemis 