22nd Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I went chasing after Blade, after his weird little stunt with Aysun… but I was too late, and he was gone. I’d run off in the direction I thought he’d have taken, but it was no use. I wandered, perusing the city, and arrived at a place I hadn’t been to since my sailing days. I went seeking silence, and a place to think.

I found it, I guess. I pondered my direction, and the coming battle. Friends neither here nor missed. What I have with Blade, Aysun, Eva… I thought about Euf as well… and Turk. Names that don’t cross my mind every day. I wonder how /they/ are preparing for this. My hands were idle. I started folding a sheet of paper to occupy them… and I made a little paper boat. Nothing like the grand ones that sailed and sat docked just beyond the edge of pier, just a pale imitation. I set it free into the little trough beside me… and caught a woman’s eye.

A beautiful Elezen, graceful, and slender. She looked at me strangely, and I thought she was disapproving. I apologized for my ship, but she didn’t seem to be angry with me. More… curious, I think. She is quiet. I like quiet. Her way of talking intrigued me. She asked how I made them, and I showed her. We sat there in silence, folding paper boats from the last pages of my sketchbook. I said my goodbyes, and went home.

I found Aysun there, with a strange Miqo’te. Miyana, or somesuch. They’re old friends, I guess. I didn’t hear what they were talking about; I came in as she was leaving. But… she called Aysun /sister/… That bugged me. I don’t know why; but I felt jealous. A little tinge of selfishness jabbed me in my lungs, but I kept a straight face and smiled and said what a pleasure it was to meet her and all that nonsense before excusing myself to my room with little else to say. I laid in bed for a while… doodling. I drifted off to sleep eventually… a bit frustrated, a bit angry. No reason. It’s stupid and childish. Why am I so unnecessarily possessive?

I didn’t want to talk to anyone… or see anyone, really. I went for a walk. And… I wandered back over to that pier. I don’t know why… I didn’t honestly know what to expect. I found that woman there again, folding more boats. There was an entire fleet down there in the water in front of her. We both folded again for a while, and we actually spoke. We shared names… and the basest of pleasantries. I like it that way; without details.

I put her out of my mind for most of yesterday, though. I was back in Ul’Dah again, going to those damnable meetings and cleaning Redricks dirty laundry. I can’t wait until it is all over. I don’t want to keep being his hand in all these sordid affairs. But the work is drying up, and I need the gil. Maybe after this moon hits… if I somehow manage to stay alive… I can broker something with him. Maybe I won’t have to watch my back anymore after this.

I was laying low in Gridania. That’s where I go to hide these days; I go home. Not that there is ever any real danger, but I don’t want to get Aysun involved, just in case. A night at the Canopy every once in a while is good for me, anyway. I was out for fresh air, when by some crazy turn I ran into her again. And Blade. He knows her as well too, intimately. I have no reason or right to be offended. And I’m acquainted now with a part of her I wasn’t previously. Eva knows her, apparently, I learned as much. I could detect the hesitancy in her voice when she found out who I was with. I want to ask her. I want to know.

That Gerrick fellow put something in my head though… he said over dinner that he was happy to see that two people could find love as the world is about to end. I nearly choked on my soup, but I held it in. I thought about it the rest of the meal; do I love Blade? I asked him that very question as we were walking back to the Canopy. He balked a bit, I think, but eventually managed to sputter out in a roundabout way that he did. He’s a sweet man. I tried to tell him in my own stupid, broken way that I did too, but of course I couldn’t. I think I drove a shiv in where I didn’t need to. I told Eufrasi that I loved him, I told him it a lot, but I never really meant it. I don’t want to ruin another good thing too soon, and I think my attempts to avoid it only made things worse.

I think tonight I’ll try and make it up to him. After I speak with Aysun.

Deirdre Ta’ea – Paper Boats

Selene Artemis – Everwatch Recruitment Poster

Eva Ianeira – Everwatch Recruitment Poster

18th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I bought more candles, ink, and parchment today. It’s been one of those strange suns, my sleeping all screwed up from going to bed late and waking up in a strange place. Well, a nice place, I guess. But I’m not taken to unfamiliar ceilings. Eva has a nice house, with a beautiful view… and I flitted through some of her books, as well. She keeps a clean house… and I do love the smell of lilacs. I’m just bad at being a guest, I suppose… I bumped into her and Vaelyn in the morning as I was trying to scuttle out. I suppose he’s sort of living with her, now. I guess it’s to be expected, after all.

I heard a scream last night, just after I had finally lain down to try and sleep. I was pretty bleary, but I was sure it came from Eva’s room. I stumbled about, probably as unstealthily as I possibly could have, and I heard voices. I assume now that it was Vaelyn, but I thought nothing of it at the time and went back to sleep. And then sleep again as soon as I arrived home.

I’ve got the little Stephon figure that Aysun carved for me sitting on my easel. It was there the entire time that I finished the painting of Eva. She liked it… appreciated it. She started crying when I showed it to her, but I’m not sure if it was more for the quality of the piece or for the memories it brought up. She hadn’t seen it since those little sketches I did after she posed for me. She seemed surprised that she looked so tough; but what else do you do with a woman holding a spear? She’s always been tougher than she looks, at least to me. She’s weathered Oskar’s death better than I would mourn the loss of someone I loved. Then again, I’ve never had to do that. Who knows how tough I really am?

Aysun finally cracked the other night, though, while I was having a cozy evening with Blade. Came home, drunk as a dog already and started drinking more. I managed to get her into bed after attempting in vain to get some food and water in her, and while I was starting to slide into bed myself with Blade, I heard a banging. She was sweating, pale, and breathing strangely. I’ve been around enough drunks in my day to know the signs… and so Blade and I took her to the Fane.

Yesterday… I came home to find her sitting in her chair, wrapped in blankets, no fire, just resting. She opened up to me a bit, and then just… cracked. Cried on my shoulder, /leaned/ in to me, something I’ve never seen her do. I held her, and tried to comfort her, but I realized at that point… that I am no mother. I spouted some feel-good tripe to her, but it felt hollow. She seemed to buy it though; either that or she just got back to her normal state and clammed up again. But… I wish I could be more. Do more. Be the friend that helps. I love her like a sister… and I’ll kill whoever it was that did that if I ever find out his name.

Selene’s Sketchbooks

15th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I really want to go home, I really do.  This bed at the Canopy isn’t the right kind of firm.  I just – I just can’t.  I don’t really want to run into Aysun.  But at the same time, I do.  I miss her.  She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.  But after that argument, that stupid, insipid little argument without direction or purpose… I just want to bury my head in the sand.

 

Why did I lie to her?  I don’t even know why.  Well, I know /why/, that’s fairly rote for me at this point, but there was no reason for it, no call.  She deserves so much better than that.  I don’t think I’ve lied to her before, why start now?  It was stupid, and I feel the fool.  It wasn’t even an argument worth winning.  I’m beating myself up about it.

 

This shite excuse for a bed can be my punishment, I suppose.  She said… she said she made me something and left it at home… but… I just can’t bear to do it.

 

Beyond that… that was the second time that I’ve seen Eva cry.  It wasn’t any easier to watch this time than it was last time.  She always seems so calm and collected, but I guess we all have things underneath that just make us fall apart.  I know I do, I won’t begrudge her that.  I don’t think Hirilonde meant ill by his words, but it just seemed… /completely/ the wrong forum to be talking about Eva’s family like that.  I was uncomfortable the whole time.  Talking about oaths… and breaking them.

 

I wish that night had been the first night that I’d heard that insult.  I didn’t realize until I talked to Eva though just how offensive it was meant to be.  I reflected on it later that night, and some of the things that they said make so much more sense now.  Not that I give a damn about any of their opinions.  I wonder if Eva thinks less of me because of my divorce?  Maybe one sun I’ll ask her.  I was the one that did the breaking, after all.

 

It’s such an unfortunate time for everybody.  I’ve heard the official word from the Adders… We’re to be battling in Mor Dhona.  That place is dangerous enough on a /good/ day.  I’m as prepared as I ever could be.  I’d gladly leave this business in Ul’Dah behind to go now.  This… incessant waiting leaves a lump in my throat in a knot in my stomach.  There is little merit in postponing the inevitable.  Acceptance.  A dread sadness in knowing that in just two weeks, everything I’ve done and accomplished will be nothing.  I don’t even know why I’ve been drawing so much lately.  Let alone attending these daft meetings and their aftermaths.

 

I’m so thirsty… all I want is a drink, and this water can’t quench it.

Post Drunken Doodles

9th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I feel a bit immature.  I said as much to Eva yesterday when we spoke briefly in the afternoon.  Her words helped, but I still feel like there could have been a more effective method of dealing with this… this overwhelming grief I feel.  Even that grief feels misplaced.  I miss Stephon… but he isn’t dead.  Eva put my small-mindedness in perspective, even if that wasn’t her intent.  Getting drunk and wandering the desert for two suns… what am I, 20?  Thank the twelve I had a few hours of lucidity and remember to eat something solid and stay out of the sun.  I could have died.  I got off with a light tan.

 

It didn’t really hit home how stupid I was being until I vomited off the back of the airship out of Limsa.  The turbulence was wreaking hell on my already conflicted gut.  I sat there, clutching the rail and wiping spittle from my mouth like some kind of Ul’Dah pub crawler… I don’t want to be like that anymore. 

 

Eva invited me over.  I went, and told her what was on my mind, and then she proceeded to surprise me, like she always does.  She suggested that maybe there isn’t anything wrong with what I’m doing… and I learned that at one point in her life she might have done the same… maybe.  I’m not sure if I interpreted everything she told me properly; sometimes I get caught up in the words and their meaning passes me over completely.  It’s why I prefer to read… or write, like this.  Anyway—

 

I asked her to let me know if I looked like I was going off the deep end again.  I only want to use her as a last resort… I want to fix this on my own, but we all fall sometimes.  I don’t want to ask Aysun.  I’m not sure what to say.  How do you tell your best drinking buddy that you don’t want to drink with them anymore?  I suppose I’ll have to say it eventually… but I know us, I might be able to skirt it a few weeks until the words come to me.  Or Dalamud gets me.

 

Of course, I’ve already fallen off the wagon on this slow slope… I was drawing my friends at home when Blade surprised me at my door after a few suns without a word.  That’s mostly my fault, I think.  I didn’t want to burden him with my problems.  It’s still too early for… whatever we are, to be doing that.  He took me to dinner; classy, at the Bismarck.  Neither of us had actually /dined/ there, just acquired ingredients.  I wore that lovely bliaud that Eva made for me back when I was still in the Everwatch.  It’s so fancy and regal, with those lovely frills and embroidery… I’m almost afraid to wear it.  But tonight was special, and I thought I’d give it a test run before that Mavanix ball I’ve seen the invitations for.  Blade watched me while I donned it; I don’t think he’s used to seeing me put clothes /on/.

 

Dinner was odd, that’s the best word I can think of.  The food was exquisite, the company fine, the conversation serious at times…  the ah, /help/ was a bit unusual.  Man in drag… maybe?  I honestly couldn’t tell.  Gharish pink monstrosity.  And those… pumpkins… Twelve.  But anyway, it turned out to be a good evening.  I’m starting to kind of fall for the guy.  We’re… seeing each other?  Courting?  I’m not sure what they call it these days, but he’s mine, I suppose.  It seems like so long ago that I was living with Eufrasi… but it’s only been four months.  These things move so fast, once you look at them objectively.  If only I could look like that /before/ I get myself into trouble.

5th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

I was able to keep my calm over the pearl last night, but I had to take the damnable thing out. I nearly threw it across the cave in frustration. I didn’t want to hear anyone’s voice. But then Aysun came… and she made everything alright somehow. Just calmed me…

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that smell. Their leathery skin and elegant moss, going up in flames. It smelled of rot; and those farmers, cheering and wooping. I covered my mouth with a hand and put a reassuring arm on the other rider, and told him I understood his pain. He wept, and I left. But the smell lingered on me; I think I could smell it in my clothing. And the look on its face when my sword pierced its brain…

I just kept seeing Stephon. All night I wondered about how easily that could have been him lying there, coated in a veneer of flames. I chose to ride out on Garnet for speed… but if that wild Goobbue had seen Stephon, there might have been a confrontation. I know Stephon is capable of violence; he’s killed for me. And I don’t think he’d hesitate to defend himself, just like the one that other rider had.

It’s been a miracle that for seven cycles now I’ve gotten away with naught but a smile from him. Save for that one time in Coerthas, but… well. That was a different story. But the scent haunted me, and I’ve made my decision.

Stephon has to be set free. I know I mentioned it to Eva a few suns ago, but then last eve happened and the urgency of the whole situation became clear to me. He needs to spend his last days before Dalamud falls on his own; away from the cities, the chocobo pens, the commotion. Communing with nature, rediscovering his own kind.

I don’t even think he considers himself a captive. He just knows that I need him to stay in the pens, and he does, happily. Smiling his adorable, silly Goobbue smile. He likes salmon; maybe I’ll buy him one tonight. This morning I went to the pens and talked with Isleen down at the stables about ending our contract. She didn’t ask why, but she seemed a bit sad that he wasn’t going to be staying with them anymore. We shared a brief moment of understanding; Stephon just has that way of rubbing off on people. Like with Aysun a few suns ago. He’s so awkward and –

It’s going to be rough. Aysun said that if I needed any help I could call her. And I will. Maybe I’ll even make a picnic out of it; invite some close friends. I don’t think I’ll be able to go it alone. I’m going to take him back to where he found me, that little stream in the Shroud. With his little stump, and his cave, and moss patch. I remember the way the sun filtered through the boughs there… it was magical. And he’ll have that magic all to himself.

Maybe one day we will meet again.

*     *     *

At the bottom of the shoals
We’ve cast our lots and played our roles
And in the stillness after the war
You carried me to your earthen hole

We’ve shattered blessed barriers with horns to sound the call
And hundreds off our memories will adorn these cavern walls
And when I stand at Sister’s side and square off against the moon
I’ll be praying all the while that I will see you soon

We’ve ridden and we’ve searched trees
And stared out longingly at the foaming seas
Before these fires rend us apart
You can your strides and your head start

We’ve shattered blessed barriers with horns to sound the call
And hundreds off our memories will adorn these cavern walls
And when I stand at Sister’s side and square off against the moon
I’ll be praying all the while that I will see you soon