It feels strange, to hold a quill again in my hand and write. It’s been so long; so long since I’ve even had to communicate in words to another living being, it almost feels like a gift. One thing that living in the wilderness taught me was how precious these things we take for granted are.
I ventured out of this apartment today for the first time. I figured Ul’Dah was the place to get my bearings, since Aysun said it hadn’t been ‘hit’. She was right; for the most part it was the same. Small changes here and there. All the shops were different, there were new buildings, but the crowds were the same. Aysun left me some clothes that fit, and I raided Fenix’s house for food and provisions. I traded a merchant some fruit for this small journal. Nothing fancy, just paper in a binding. But it is mine. This and the clothes on my back are literally the only things to my name.
I’d given up writing journals. I was always so worried, before, that someone might find them and learn things that I did not wish them to learn. I burned the last two, but I felt that I needed to start one again. I didn’t retain much from my time with Makar, but one thing was his passion for note-taking. He always said that writing was the best way to organize one’s thoughts, and in times like these, that is what I need most.
I’m still getting used to this entire situation. One moment I was on the brink of death in the Shroud, the next thing I know I’m waking up next to Aysun – a woman I had given up for dead. Crushed by Dalamud. They threw a blitz of information at me; about time travel and a changing of the world, but it still seems so unreal. I didn’t get much time to dwell on it before I was out in it, in that wilderness. Everthing was different. I hardly recognized the Shroud.
I wonder if immersion really was the best way to go about it. I’m used to change; adaptation has always been one of my stronger suits. Maybe Aysun knew that, which is why she didn’t have a problem with it. But I imagine suddenly seeing your entire world /changed/ would exact quite a toll on some people. It was still a shock to the system, despite being prepared. I dealt with it like I deal with most things; carrying on like it was ‘business as usual’. I was in a blind panic on the inside though. Maybe something snapped.
I shocked myself at how quickly I fell back into my old ways on the ride to Ul’Dah. The way Aysun and I talked and bantered like nothing had ever changed. I think when I was out there, alone, most of my fake conversations were with her. Some were with Eva, and a few of the others, but when I pretended to not be so desperately, soul-crushingly alone, hers was the voice I remembered best. Maybe it was habit to just talk to her like that; I don’t know. But she seems different. Quieter, less apt to jokes. She let the new one, Fenix, do most of the talking. It’s almost as if she’s afraid of something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I haven’t seen her since the first night. I wonder if everything is okay.
But yes, Fenix. He’s just one of the many new faces. Most of them are still just voices to me, but his has a face. He is Aysun’s friend. She trusts him; told me point blank to my face that he was worthy of it. I don’t really trust /anyone/ completely, but Aysun vouching is good enough for me. He makes good soup, which can only be a plus. I didn’t talk to him much, but he’s letting a complete stranger stay in his house for free, so he can’t be all that bad. I haven’t seen him since, either.
I stayed inside yesterday, after sleeping until midday. I wasn’t ready to go out. I wanted to sit and focus and try to gather myself. I did poke around the house though. I was going to read something off Fenix’s bookshelf, but a small bound book caught my eye. It had pages missing, and it turned out to be his private journal. I wish I could say that I thought twice about reading it, but I will not try to fool myself. I slid it out and read it, right there in the hallway. I needed to know I could trust him, and knowledge is power. There wasn’t much to read, but there are a few things I saw that raised some questions maybe he will volunteer answers for on his own without any gentle prodding. Beyong that though, he seems a good sort, from what I have read, and what I have heard over the pearl.
Eva did give me a pearl. A replacement one for Crystalline, and a personal one as well. I listened to it for almost two days; the whole ride to Ul’Dah, and all day yesterday. The people are different. There are lots of voices I don’t recognize, but I paid close attention to their conversations, and I can attach names to sounds now. Young people and old people alike. I’ve already started forming some opinions. I’d rather observe them for hiding for a tad bit longer. Any upper hand is a good hand.
I did talk with Eva about them though. Some of the things they were talking about surprised me. Conversations that would have never occurred over a pearl in Everwatch. Some crassness that I’m surprised Eva tolerated for as long as she did. She always was a stickler for that; I did a good job of curbing my tongue in front of her there at the end.
I just realized my choice of words there. What a depressing way to think.
Not only am I alive though, I am alive and well. That is the most surprising thing. I was rarely ‘well’ when I was out in the wilderness; always hungry, always sore, always uncomfortable and afraid. Lonely. Possibly losing my sanity. Even before that, perhaps, was I ever well? A runaway, a killer, trying to recover from a downward spiral into depression only to rise up and see a great moon sinking to send me back down. Wellness can’t be found at the bottom of a bottle or deep in a cave.
Despite this looming sense of dread at facing that strange, unfamiliar world outside these drawn curtains, I feel hopeful. If I can somehow survive a moon, I can survive anything. I’ve stopped counting the number of times that I’ve cheated death at this point, but it is not an insignificant number. Maybe one of the Twelve is up there looking out for me. Or maybe it’s just luck.
My only problem right now is trying to figure out ‘what next’. Perhaps I’ll start speaking on the pearl soon. Talking to people; trying to get an idea of what they are doing with their lives. I spent so long before thinking that I wouldn’t be able to do anything else that I ended up not doing anything at all, and frittered away what easily could have been the last days of my life on fruitless pursuits. My pursuit of fruit in the wilderness at least had a purpose.
I think my first step will be to try and get a sense of Eorzea on a larger scale. Perhaps I’ll see if Fenix or Aysun can loan me a small amount of gil and I can purchase a few papers. Read up on things, get a handle on current events. Yes, reading is the answer. Reading is almost always the answer. Much like listening, learning to stop and take things in as opposed to constantly expelling is the key to wisdom. It’s a lesson a few of those new voices on the pearl could do to learn before it’s too late.
I just re-read what I have written here. More than I expected, to be honest. But it doesn’t feel censored. I used to try and lie to myself; omit things I didn’t want to remember. Make myself feel better. Too bad that would have defeated the point of the exercise. I was worried that these ramblings would feel rushed and unfocused, but they seem to flow rather well. Glad to know I haven’t lost that touch either.
I think I’m going to try and talk on the pearl now.
Selene Artemis 