The dumb bastards didn’t want me. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s their loss, but rejection still stings, just like it always have and like it always will. That’s a part of life, I suppose. I’m just not used to being on the receiving end. I wonder if this is how all those men felt. Only worse, I suppose. Heartache hurts more than being turned down for a job. I think.
It’s different out here. I couldn’t take being cramped up inside that hot, smelly city any longer. I’m beneath something that one of the Brass Blades called the Sultantree. I don’t remember the desert being so green. I mostly remember brown. And rock. Fenix’s house is near the Gate of Thal, so I just made a beeline for it.
Desert air smells nice.
I feel free suddenly. There’s nothing keeping me here in Ul’Dah anymore. I can go out on my own now and defend myself. Staying with Fenix has been convenient, but I feel that I’ve already started to wear out my welcome. I’ve barely even seen him since I got here, but I still feel like an intruder. Too much freedom in there, almost as if I’d broken in.
I don’t feel very alone anymore. The first few days were excruciating, but for the past several suns I’ve been surprisingly busy. I’ve tried to get out a little every day, and I’ve seen people. Eva stayed for a few bells when she came to remove the cast yesterday, and we talked. And we had a conversation that was long overdue.
When I first arrived at the Watch, I spent a lot of time in awe of Eva. She was this untouchable entity. Quiet and understanding. She always seemed to have all the right words. Even when we were both Archontes, and supposedly on the same level, she was over me. Up until the very end, when it seemed like we were starting to reach some kind of understanding. It was only around then that I started to really consider her a friend. I’m glad to know that hasn’t gone anywhere.
I feel like I have to force myself to act naturally, even though I’m terrified. I’m still reeling from culture shock. Everywhere I turned something is different and people have changed, so I remind myself that I need to hold myself together. It’s hard. But when I talked with Eva it all came back like nothing had changed.
It felt good to open up to someone. Aysun hasn’t been the most receptive what little I’ve seen her, and that worries me, but Eva is a lot like her usual self. She’s more forward, though, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. The older Eva never asked me questions. We would both sort of dance around subjects. I’m sure we both knew what the other was saying, but it’s much faster this way. I like it.
I want things with Aysun to get back to the way that they were. I worry about her. I remember when the two of us used to talk like the way Eva and I did. It makes me wonder if some day I’ll ever tell Eva about my time before the Watch. Things I’ve only ever told Aysun.
I didn’t have the courage to ask her about Jzhoshief or Aatrix, though. I know she’s talked with them, she said as much. It was a rude awakening, to be certain. Maybe next time.
The plan is still to go to Limsa tomorrow. Pack up my one possession and leave a note for Fenix. I’m taking this sword though. I’ll pay him back. I’ve been frugal with the gil Eva lent me, and I think it’s enough to get a ride to Limsa. I’m not coming back. Not for a long time.
I think Tysien’s men are still out there, though. I need to be careful, and leave quietly.
Selene Artemis 