15th Sun of the 4th Umbral Moon

I had the most unusual dream last night.  Usually dreams like that I wake up sweating, or at least moist.  But this time… I don’t know.  It just felt good.  It passed from my mind almost instantly upon awakening, but I retained hints of it.  No emotions, nothing concrete, just… just feelings.  I felt safe… and warm.  It felt like… a premonition.  Or a vision.  But no matter, it’s passed.

Other things that have passed… well, last night I got yet another dagger to the throat.  I’m seriously getting sick of this crap.  I was wandering about the Bismarck, looking for food, and some trollop poked a knife in my back and told me to start walking.  She led me down to a dock and then… turns out I wasn’t the one she was after.  Didn’t want my gil, didn’t want anything from me.  Thought I was some other fool.  I was… a bit miffed.

She apologized… said her name was Eliza, then sat down on the dock as if she wanted to be my friend, then just… fell asleep.  I resisted every impulse I had to just push her into the water with my boot.  But for whatever reason, I didn’t.  Just shook my head, and went back to the Bismarck to get my dinner.  Then I wasn’t even hungry…

I think I’ve lost my muse.  I went out to get new strings for my lute the other day… they were getting loose and dirty.  I got some nice gut… tuned Guenhwyvar up all pretty… and then just sat there.  Couldn’t think of a thing.  None of my tricks worked… tapping a rhythm on the body didn’t do anything, neither did playing random notes in a scale at an odd time signature.  Nothing stuck out.  Here’s hoping it was just one bad sun.

I wish I could sing worth a damn.

11th Sun of the 4th Umbral Moon

This past moon has been beyond transformative for me.  SO much has changed since I last took quill to these pages.  Many suns where my body simply didn’t have it in itself to even lift a glass to my lips to sustain myself, let alone make record of these times I find myself in.

 

Where should I start?  A moon is a lot of time to funnel into words…

 

I suppose the obvious thing, really.  I read these pages before I started writing fresh, and found it amusing that someone who read it without knowing me would be assume that I am still pushing forward in my tenure with Everwatch. This is no longer the case; but two suns after last I wrote that, I handed Eva my dagger and pearl and took my leave.

 

It had been a long time coming.  Small things, scattered over time, that when I examined them together proved an insurmountable barrier.  His callousness, I will not list traits.  There is no fairness in that.  But… I never really found him to be a good leader.  I don’t know if I’ve ever served one.  He was better than most though, but not good enough.  Not enough to risk my life to make him my king.  I never wanted a king at all, and certainly not Oskar.

 

I remember when he first told me about his plans for Eorzea.  I was shocked, confused, and filled with trepidation.  But I kept my head down, followed along.  When he asked me to spy on my lover, I did… sort of.  Even then I reported back falsities to him, stretches of the truth.  I never wanted him to have control over my heart, and damn him for even trying.

 

The idea of accepting the dagger then… was to have his ear.  To sway him away from ever realizing his plans.  It’s easier to sabotage when you have more pull.  Talk him down from ever trying to unify this land under his name.  When Aysun almost abandoned the Watch after he told the group of us his plans, I talked her back into the fold with that very promise, that we could stop it.  And now I’ve run off, leaving her there.

 

The Watch is behind me now.  I can still live comfortably… with my stipend and the odd jobs I’ve been doing, plus Aysun sharing the cost, things are fine.  Rekindling my work with Redrick, initially to land some gil in Seawatch’s pocket, has helped keep me floating better than expected.  I can take in work well over my previous danger level.  Everwatch definitely improved my swordplay a hundredfold.  I’ve done some bandit culling, scouting, other types of duties.  Gil comes in, even more since most of it isn’t going to some kind of “group” coffer.

 

But… leaving Everwatch has had its negative effects as well.  I’ve always been a bit of a loner.  Only child, living alone, and I was fine with that.  But Everwatch, the people in it, anyway, were the closest thing to a family I can ever say I’ve had, and I underestimated how much I miss them all.  Going back to being alone has been jarring but necessary.  I’m glad I have Aysun to talk to when I’m home – she keeps my grounded, and keeps me sane – and safe when I get my ass drunk watching fireworks.

 

I opened up to her the other eve.  She found me, drunk a town square, watching the festival lights through the haze of a bottle.  We went home, and I confided in her.  More than I have to another person in my life.  I think now… I am an open book to her. Why should I try to be?  There is nothing of value left to hide.

 

Those dark days in Limsa… lives lost for money and blood, and the only one that mattered to me… well, that revenge was had long ago.

 

The aftermath of Everwatch led me here; a long winding path of violence, fear, dependence, addiction.  A small part of me has always felt dirty, ever since I left Aatrix and his depravities.  Limsa just added to it.  There’s been suppression, and always a part of me trying to cope.  Being a paladin has made me feel better, but then Turk got me thinking.  And he was right.

 

And now here I am.  Tiger Helm Island.  A fire in front of me.  Dodo roasting slowly.  A soulgem at my side, it’s glow covered and left by.  I feel good.  Weak, still worried, but filled with…

 

What’s that word gain?

 

Oh yes.

 

“Hope.”  I’m filled with hope.

A Note Left on the Kitchen Table

Dearest Aysun~

I told you I’d be leaving this sun, and I’d like to think that I’m true to my word. It’s been a few suns since our last conversation of note; things were shared that I found very difficult to get off of my chest. Talk of times gone by are not the easiest words to roll off my tongue, but I am glad that I was able to muster the courage to share them with you. I’m sure the liquor helped, but nontheless, the truth is out there. Truths I haven’t spoken aloud to another soul, even the ones I’ve claimed to love. I feel a great weight has been lifted from me.

BUt even so, I must still make this last pilgrimage. I will be gone three suns, a personal test. Don’t worry about me… unless a fourth sun passes. I’m planning on going to Tiger Helm Island for my seclusion. I trust you not to follow me unless you really think I’m in danger. It’s a dangerous place, but there are many areas where one can rest without garnering the ire of the local beasts. A place for reflection, with no disturbances from the outside world.

Should anything happen to me, please contact my mother, Arrava Artemis. I’ve written her address on the reverse of this page… I pray it never comes to this, but I won’t be so callous as to not recognize it’s a possibility.

Be well, Aysun. I’m sure that Halone will see me back home before long.

~Selene Artemis